Eff off Cal Alumni Association

Dear UC Berkeley Alumni Association,

Kindly eff off. I am sick of your letters telling me how important my donation is during the California State budget crunch. I am sick of your exploiting students (based on accents I think only from the i-House, you sweatshop running bastards) to give me some sob story over the phone about how their mom had to become a whore just so she could send her daughter to the US so she could got to Berkeley to beg ex-students for money. You guys really in a budget crisis? I have an idea, stop spending all your fucking money on postage and long distance phone calls! There is this amazing new thing that Al Gore invented (which is often mistaken for a big truck, but don't be fooled, its actually a series of tubes) called the internet. You can send people things called "emails" for free. I shit you not. Amazing huh? Actually, sending emails would piss me off too, so scratch that idea.

Seriously, if I wanted to give you money I would figure out a way to do it. But, I have none. You know that I have none. Every time the whore's daughter calls me I tell her I am in school and have no money. I have lots of negative money I would be more than happy to give you though. I would love to sponsor the building of a new football stadium by donating $500 in debt right now!

Finally, seriously, how stupid do you think I am. Why do you think I'm going to be incentivized (spell check thinks I am making up this word. I might be) to spend an addition $2,500 so I can get a $5 T-Shirt. I must admit, the $10 polo shirt you are trying to sell me for $10,000 is pretty effing sweet, but I will have to pass until I have so much money I have to decide between giving it to you and whipping my butthole with it. If you want to send me the Oski Beanie Baby anyway though, that would be pretty cool.

Love always
Caleb